The Knell of Parting Day

      A Leave-Taking

The April rains returned today:
Falling slow with wet haze,
All is damp and tinted grey,
Such are April days.
My heart bears the sorrows,
The fearful thoughts, and the ache,
Of the imminent tomorrows
To which I will awake.
The day is drained of cheer,
Sodden and weighted down,
The day and I are drear,
But we have yet to drown.
This that is so heavy and grey
Will birth new life some other day.

I walked past the courtyard, past Glengarry, past Residence Commons, past the gap, and my favorite footpath. I saw through the shadows and felt half-disconnected. I stopped by the sculpture by the St. Patrick’s building. I looked back through the still night and cool breeze, and I saw lit windows, rain pooled and reflecting, the buildings of my home— even the ones in the distance. Something sundered in me and I felt something crack deep inside. Something cracked with a dull ache.

I found it hard to breathe, but I tried. I felt rooted to the spot, but I moved. I looked as I walked back, numb, sad, and hurt. All of this was dulled by the feeling of half-disconnection. I recomposed myself as I walked up the stairs and down the hall slowly. I reminded myself that it is not over yet, and that I must make the most of these last days. Most important of all, I reminded myself that I am still fragile, that I need to be kind and patient with myself. I need to be kind and patient with myself, now and later when I am alone.

downtheaxon said: hugs. any and all improvement is noteworthy, you’re doing great.

Thank you, that means a lot coming from you. I am pleased to be improving despite feeling fragile.

The nights are harder than the days. Empty sadness, loneliness, and isolation come in pangs beginning when the sun goes down. I did not feel them in the day, but I do now. Thankfully, they are almost manageable. This is a great improvement from last night.

livewellovemuch said: I look forward to it. :3

I looked forward to posting a photo, but the camera is not the best. I will try with my camera when I am in Windsor.

incrediblydeadlyviper said: This is me all the time. I literally cannot sleep past 10 oclock in the morning without feeling like I’ve wasted the day, despite knowing that I probably wouldn’t have done anything with those hours anyway.

We share this feeling, and the tendency as well. I work best in the afternoon when, assuming I have awoken at a decent time, all my faculties are alive and in order.

I feel so guilty for sleeping in so late. I feel like I have wasted the day, not like I have gained rest or strength. I feel half-numb, somewhat guilty, and conflicted. I remember the words of friends, and I try to think rationally. These are my aids.

        Respite Earned

Here is one who longed to be free,
He breathed his last: a sigh,
Lay him under the tamarack tree.

He came and saw all there was to see,
He was weak, too weak and shy,
Here is one who longed to be free.

Here is one whose childish glee
After years began to die,
Lay him under the tamarack tree.

He spoke, but without repartee,
He found fortune dry,
Here is one who longed to be free.

Here is one who dreamed of who he could be,
But knew his end was ever nigh,
Lay him under the tamarack tree.

He dreamed and he tried to be,
But all his efforts went awry,
Here is on who longed to be free,
Lay him under the tamarack tree.

livewellovemuch said: would be the best part silly.

Oh, how sweet. Perhaps I will post one if they render nicely on camera.

livewellovemuch said: what about without the glasses. eyes are so important :p

You don’t want to see the soul behind these windows. ;)

My fate was sealed on a warm April afternoon.

feelokayinc said: funky fresh

Weird for the sake of weird.

spacecadetwench said: Gorgeous!

Thank you!

livewellovemuch said: :)